... From Kara
Hill (DeWayne's girlfriend)
November 23, 2001
Hi hon, it’s me. I don’t know if it will help me to write what I am feeling, but I do think that each one of us that is still hurting, that is still missing you every day, needs to express, somehow, just how much we cared. Whether we write it down in a journal, talk to you when we are alone, say a little prayer in your memory…however we express it, I think it’s good to allow the pain and let it out. I also write so Kambria will never forget the amazing father that she has.
You
still surround me every waking hour. Pictures in every room remind me to smile
through the tears. My favorite is the one of you in your Daisy Dewey
Dukes clearing out the trail to the Big G for us. There was always a humbleness
in your pride. I have so many memories in these pictures. We did so much in so
little time. Sometimes it feels as though we were always together.
Soul mates.
I have so much to be thankful for. It helps me in my grief. Just to have met you, to have been able to love someone as wonderful as you. It was a lifetime of blessings. Thank you for showing me that I could love this completely. I’m not afraid of it anymore. Once I allowed myself to love you, I never looked back. You are the kindest, most respectful man I have ever known. You have so many special gifts to give the world; so strong and yet the gentlest man I know.
Thank you for all that you taught me. You gave me the confidence to try anything. The pride on your face when I’d take a deep breath and go for it was all I needed. You were patient, encouraging and had absolute faith in me. You taught me how to do so much; ride 4-wheelers, all the names of the flowers in the forest, which animals made which tracks, how to cook a mean salmon, you were just teaching me how to ride your motorcycle and I have learned to laugh at myself and not take life so seriously. We had so much to teach each other, so much to learn, and we had vowed to one another to never grow old, to keep trying new things.
I think I’ll always cherish most the times we spent with Kambria. You looked forward to her visits so much. You would get excited about all the things you were going to show her. The two of you together were pure magic. She has your spirit; she’s so curious and so alive. It didn’t take long before I eagerly awaited her visits too. You couldn’t help but fall in love with that little girl. I cry for missing her as well.
You wanted her to think for herself. She’d ask a question and you’d help her figure it out. You explained everything to her, as much as she wanted to know. You made sure she was respectful of others, you made her feel strong, smart and capable of anything. I would watch you two together, the tickle sessions on the couch, the patient way you’d teach her something new, the way your face would light up when she got it, and it made me ache inside to see you so happy. You’d affectionately call her Little Stinker and she’d twirl her little fingers around in her hair and say you were “crraaazzzyyy”. I think she has one very special Guardian Angel now and I know that, with you looking after her, she’ll be okay. I’m so glad you had the chance to know that kind of love. You are truly the best father I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Your friends, they are the greatest. The kindness you showed to everyone is reflected in them. I have gained more lasting friendships since knowing you. You showed your love for them all the time. You were always off helping someone with something or another. If their bike was broken down and they wanted to go riding with you, you’d get it running in no time and off you’d go. You were so giving that it always gave us a little peace to be able to give you something back, to be able to help you for a change.
I will never forget you DeWayne. I can’t. I take so much with me now that is you; you became a part of me. I feel hollow since you left, I don’t honestly know if I’ll ever fill this void. But I’ll try, honey. Perhaps I’ll always have an empty spot where the tears are kept but I have no regrets, not one. There was too much love to regret knowing you. I’d take a lifetime of this pain not to miss a moment of the time we had together. We were so kind to one another, not a moment of anger ever passed between us and the little frustrations here and there were quickly soothed away with a hug. Perhaps we knew somehow that our time together was short. I cherished every moment that I spent with you. When I wrote you that little song, Sweet Dreams, I was imagining forever with you. I read it again after you died and realized it spoke of only being with you for a little while. I finally felt whole, you understood and believed in me as no one ever has. Thank you for that.
You leave many others who love you. You will not be forgotten by any of us. Years from now, when Kambria says, “tell me another story about my dad”, we’ll still be coming up with memories we haven’t shared with her before. You filled up every moment of your life. As much as I know that you are gone, I know that men like you never die. The spirit in which you lived your life will live on in us forever. I miss you honey, I miss you every single day and no matter what happens in my life, I will still be loving you when we meet again.
You have my heart,
Kara